Waiter: Hello Sir and welcome to Kelsey's. May I take your coat?

Customer: Here, hang it someplace safe, it's cashmere.

Waiter: Here's our lunch menu. Do you want to hear our specials?

Customer: Not really, I know your specials better than you do.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

Customer: Is your ice tea sweetened or unsweetened?

Waiter: We only have sweetened ice tea with lemon Sir.

Customer: I will have sparkling water then.

Waiter: I will give you a few minutes to look at the menu.

5 minutes later Waiter brings a bottle of Perrier and pour into a glass.

Waiter: Have you decided Sir?

Customer: By the way your glasses have spots on them. I will have calamari as an appetizer, and balsamic chicken.

Waiter: Very sorry about the glasses. Chicken comes with a side and a salad.

Customer: I will have Caesar salad and a baked potato with sour cream and chives. Don't overcook the chicken. I mean it! Or I will send it back.

Waiter, bringing calamari and Caesar salad

Waiter: Here you go Sir, how is everything?

Customer: I changed my mind, I want French fries instead of the baked potato.

Waiter: No problem Sir.

20 minutes later Waiter brings the entrée.

Waiter: Here you go Sir, how is everything?

Customer: calamari was chewy and salad was not so fresh.

Waiter: Very sorry about that Sir, would you like me to refill your glass?

Customer: About time! I thought you forgot about me.

20 minutes later Waiter comes back.

Waiter: Are you almost done with your chicken Sir?

Customer: Chicken was cold and dry. And too salty. French fries were soggy.

Waiter picks up the plates.

Waiter: I apologize Sir. Would you like to look at the dessert menu?

Customer: No. Just bring me a cup of coffee and a bran muffin.

Waiter comes back with coffee and muffin.

Waiter: Here is your bill Sir. Will it be cash or card?

Customer: Cash. Customer finishes his lunch, grabs his coat and leaves.

Waiter to himself: Cheapskate  left me 5% tip. I hope he chokes on his bran muffin.